Asking Eric: Annoyed by my mother-in-law’s sensitive dogs

Dear Eric: My sister-in-law, whom I love and have known since she was little, recently bought two small “doodle” dogs. She brought them with her for an overnight visit over the weekend.

They bark at every little sound – a person entering the room, the door opening/closing. My sister-in-law’s response to her dogs was ineffective.

The weekend with her dogs worried me and I found it hard to enjoy my visitors.

It was worse for me to tolerate because I have experience both professionally (with children) and personally (with dogs) in analyzing and modifying behavior problems. It’s very easy for me to see what reinforced the dogs’ behavior.

My dilemma is should I not allow her to bring her dogs for the next visit or should I do a visit that includes bringing the dogs according to my sister-in-law that will allow me to teach her how to deal with dog behavior? She doesn’t seem bothered by the relentless barking and screaming.

– Tired dog

Dear Tired: Although your experience is with children and dogs, it sounds like the behavior you most want to change is that of your adult sister-in-law. That will present a problem.

It’s okay to tell him the dogs made too much noise last time and ask him to leave them behind for the next visit. This, of course, makes the visit less hospitable, since he will have to find a suitable dog. And he can choose to stay at home. If you’re okay with that possibility and won’t resent her for it, great.

It’s also good to offer to teach her a better way to handle her dogs. But making it a prerequisite to spending time with you? I don’t see how that wouldn’t cause resentment.

You have a long, loving relationship. You can just tell her that dogs are getting on your nerves and you have some advice, if she’s open to it. Doodle behavior is not a reason to fuel an argument. Talk to her without judgement. Offer assistance, but accept her “no thanks” if that’s her answer.

Clear communication without trying to control it will make planning your next meeting easier. And it empowers her to consider both your feelings and hers.