My childhood trauma created disordered eating habits

People often discuss daddy issues when describing a woman’s dating behavior, but mommy wound isn’t talked about much. Simply put, mother’s wound it speaks of a loss or lack of motherhood, and the term usually refers to the mother-daughter relationship.

The wound, or pain, is often generational, meaning it is passed down from generation to generation, and many link the mother’s wound to a patriarchal society where women are considered “less than.”

School was starting in a few days and I was surprised when my mom asked me if I wanted to celebrate by going out for an ice cream sundae. Her kindness puzzled me.

The idea that my estranged mother wanted to endear me was a novelty that brought butterflies to my stomach. When we were seated in the booth at the restaurant, she let me tell the waitress what I wanted, which was also an unusual treat. A hot fudge sundae with extra whipped cream was my choice. I didn’t like the cherry that came on top, but it looked nice.

When my special treat arrived, my mother excused herself to go to the bar next door to meet a male friend, leaving me alone. I should have known this trip to the restaurant was too good to be true.

The only thing that made this memory unique was that a hot fudge sundae accompanied my disappointment. My shame started early.

When I was little, I often felt left out and abandoned. The deep sense of shame I grew up with carried me into adulthood, which made relationships challenging.

I could never be sure that people didn’t have an ulterior motive, even when they were kind. Along with my shame, me too I felt like I lacked value. Month after month, throughout my childhood, this perception was reinforced over and over again until it was etched into me like a permanent tattoo.

My mother’s lack of concern about my eating and my constant hunger led to disordered eating later in life. After my mother died, I began to question why I had to eat before bed every night and why I indulged in food to a degree that was not normal or healthy.

One night, a few months after my mother died, I opened the fridge and realized I wasn’t hungry. But like an addict in need of a fix, I couldn’t close the door. As I crawled into bed, I begged the universe for clarity and I got it. I cannot explain how I received the answer, but it unfolded in my mind without restraint.

Childhood trauma followed me into adulthood Athena Sandrini / Pexels

I saw that my compulsion stemmed from being repeatedly hungry as a child. As an adult, I mitigated my internalized fear of being deprived of food by always eating before bed.

i have used mindfulness practices to combat my fear-based food trauma and created new food habits. Mindfulness can help bring you back to the present moment, according to 2013 research.

Sometimes I skip eating something I want, like a pastry (or two!) from my favorite local French bakery. This denial reaffirms that I am in control of what I eat, rather than overindulging on something I love just because I can.

For me, it’s all about balance now. I had an unusual amount of unsettling fear and discomfort when I started working on my eating issues. But I have made progress through careful repetition and am much more at peace.

There are many ways my mother failed in her parenting duties. He regularly failed to make sure I was awake and ready for elementary school before leaving for work, failed to provide me with basic hygiene tools, and left me home alone to go on dates with a series of men. But I find that what is essential for me to focus on now is that I am healing and growing I work to be the best version of me despite the mother’s injury.

It is not easy to separate what happened to me as a child from who I am. I often feel like my childhood trauma has saturated every cell of my being, making it a challenge to find my true identity as an adult.

My mother’s wound problems were compounded by the fact that I was also hiding my sexuality. I’ve known since childhood that I’m attracted to the same sex, but I’ve never felt safe enough to come out. So, I tried to live my life as if I were straight.

Because of my mother’s neglect and my father’s alcoholism, I learned to dissociate myself from what was happening around me. I compartmentalized my feelings and experiences and emotionally disconnected. This served me well when I married a man at twenty-five.

This coping mechanism also meant that I was unable to engage in relationships in a meaningful way. I could act the part, but I was emotionally distant, and because there was never a guarantee that I would be loved, I always held back my true self.

I was affected by the idea that I had to earn love by being the ideal girlfriend, model wife or perfect mother. This kind of mentality is exhausting and it took me up to fifty years to break free.

Exhausted and depressed, I began searching for authenticity in my 40s. I had no idea who I was or how to find out. Therapy provided the perfect environment to expose who I was and what I wanted from my life.

Childhood trauma followed me into adulthood production SHVETS / Pexels

One of the things I identified in therapy was that I had a victim mentality that completely distorted my power.

Blaming those who hurt me was a great way to abdicate responsibility for my actions, choices, and growth. To see that reality was amazing.

The other thing that helped me considerably was realizing that I held the pen that would write the rest of my story. For too long, I allowed others to hold the pen, acting as if I was happy to be included in the story they were writing for me.

This powerful new realization allowed me to finally come out of the closet at fifty and start writing my own story the way I always wanted it to be written. Since then amazing things have happened in my life.

I received an unexpected promotion that gave me a leadership position tailored to my strengths and skills. I experienced a drastic improvement in my mental and physical health, allowing me to enjoy life more. Eventually, I fell in love and developed a relationship with a woman who surpassed any fantasy I had about experiencing same-sex love.

It would seem that once I gave up my victim mentality and embraced my true identity, unlocked my power to manifest my unclaimed dreams and desires. Living our truth is powerful and dynamic. Having a victim mentality, according to 2021 researchit can make forgiveness and life harder.

Authenticity is not a free pass to a happy and fulfilled life without problems. It is a gateway to the freedom and peace that comes from knowing and embracing who you are. And that, my friends, is worth celebrating with a hot fudge sundae with extra whipped cream.

Children need enough care to be healthy and enough supervision to be safe.

Child neglect is when a parent or caregiver fails to provide the care, supervision, affection, and support necessary for the child’s health, safety, and well-being. Adults caring for children must provide clothing, food and drink. A child also needs a safe, healthy shelter and proper supervision. There are several types of child neglect, which you can read more about on the website Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline website.

There is no “smoking gun” for most child neglect. While even a single instance of neglect can cause lifelong harm to a child, neglect often requires a pattern of behavior over a period of time. If you suspect a child you know is being neglected, get in touch Childhelp National Child Abuse Helpline for more resources at 1-800-4-A-CHILD.

Kim Kelly (she/her) is a writer and speaker who writes about authenticity, retirement, relationships, and life on the road.